Dreams and Detours

Well, it's been a very long time since I've posted anything. I think I'm finally ready.
Is what I am about to say a sensitive subject? You bet. Do I have a right to say it? Absolutely. It's my life afterall.

I've been married to the man of my dreams for almost 8 yrs. We met in college, and after dating about three years, he asked me to be his wife. It was a dream come true for me. I couldn't wait to begin my new life with this wonderful man God had blessed me with!

Like any marriage, we had good days and bad days. We had days where work got the better of us, and days where we owned the world. It began to be hard to tell where he ended and I began. I didn't see him as someone else, but as an extension of myself. When I was gray, he was my sunshine. When he was down, I was his up. We did this pretty well, I thought.

"Two are better than one, because they have a good reward for their labor. For if they fall, one will lift up his companion. But woe to him who is alone when he falls, for he has no one to help him up. Again, if two lie down together, they will keep warm; But how can one be warm alone?" Ecc. 4:9-11.

April 8th, 2011
My husband returned from a week in Atlanta on business. I can't begin to describe how I missed him when he was gone. After all these years together, I still felt like half a person when he was away. I knew work was important, and this trip was for work, and I was so proud of him, I didn't mind him being gone. I was just tickled he was coming home. I raced home from work that night, and walked into the kitchen, wrapping my arms around his strong shoulders. I said that I'd missed him, and he said "Trudy, we need to talk".

Sitting on the couch in our living room, he explained to me that he no longer wanted to be with me. He didn't love me anymore, hadn't for about 5 yrs, and that he didn't want to live the life we were living (church, family, marriage, etc). He said he felt like it would be best for him to move out. I asked if this was temporary. He said no, it wasn't. He apologized for ruining my life, and left me. He had already moved his things, and for the next several days, I walked around my home like a zombie, finding new empty places where somthing of his once sat. The DVR and the remote. The blanket that we both loved to cuddle under on the couch. The guns from the gun cabinet my father built him 10 yrs ago. Everything he ever owned, except his wedding band and our pictures, was gone. He took eveyrhting that held any value to him. Which is why he left me behind.

It was two months before we spoke, and then finally, he answered my phone call. We met up a few weeks later to exchange some mail, adn then again yesterday to exchange some more. In the minimal contact we've had, I have been reassured over and over that htis is not a temporary thing. He has no intentions of ever returning to me, the church or the life we had together. With each encouter, I can feel the lining of my heart ripping itself away from my chest and falling to the gritty floor beneath. I can feel his heel as it presses into the ground, and turns as he walks farther and farther away from me, driving to his new life, at his new apartment, in his new car. I am acutely aware that he now has everything that was ever important to him. And I'm not included there.

Are we getting divorced? I don't know. Is he seeing someone else? I don't know. Am I okay? I don't think so. Somedays are better than others. Somedays are unbearable.

Meanwhile, I am finishing up Respiratory Therapy school this week. Then I get to schedule my state board exams (three of them!), and begin working at the respiratory department in the hospital I am currently working in.

Graduation = independence from him = my new (scary) life

Why do I write this? For sympathy? Oh, please! No! To air my dirty laundry? Not so much- see, everyone who is close to me already knows this. The others have heard about it through the grapevine. I would just rather you hear it from me than the grapevine. I trust that grapevine about as much as I do my own husband right now! (that's not much!)

Please keep us, our families, our friends, and our futures in your prayers. The scary part about this new life of mine is that I can't see where its headed. I just hope this detour leads somewhere better than here.

Always,
Tru