Control

I think one of the most painful parts of this seperation from my husband is the fact that I have no control over the situation. It can feel alot like not having any control over anything. So I decided to try to make a list of the things I can control, and how I want them to go. In no particular order:

1. I'm a child of God. Not my husband, not my broken heart, nor my lack of self-confidence can do anything to change that. God was there when I vowed to be with my husband forever, and He's here with me now that I'm in itty bitty pieces.

2. My career. I'm taking state board exams soon, and whether I pass them on the first try or the 100th try, I will pass them. And I will be great at what I do.

3. My finances. This one is tricky. Without getting into the details, which really are complicated, I am in 100% control of my money for the first time in my life. My husband never took money from me, and I was always provided for, but now I get to decide how much goes where, what to buy with this or that, and I answer to no one but myself for it. Well, myself and the bank. ;)

4. My expenses. I have a new set of goals now that my original dreams have been shattered. I want to work for a while and save up as much as I can for a down payment on a house. A house that I love and has all the characteristics that I desire, and I don't have to worry about anyone else's desires or hangups or pessimism.


I can't control the fact that I am heartbroken, and alone. I can't control how sad I am 98% of the day. I can't control the fact that because of my husband's decisions, I doubt I'll ever be able to be a mother. I can't control the fact that this has destroyed my self-confidence. The list above in no way makes up for what I can't control, but it does help me to have something more positive to focus on. We'll see where that gets me this week.

Always,
Tru