What did you want out of life when you were little? If you could have drawn a picture of your life, what would it have looked like? Would it resemble where you are today?
My picture would have looked something like this: Graduated from college, Married to a christian man by age 25, Had two children by age 30, working part-time and raising my family, active in church, living in a yellow house with a puppy.
What does my actual life look like now?
Graduated from college, My husband walked out on me six months ago, I haven't gotten a job in the field that I studied, I barely make the ends meet with my part time job that doesn't pay very much, and coincidentally, I do live in a yellow house with a dog.
What I am learning right now is that while it is good to have goals and desires and dreams, you can't bank your whole life on them. What are you gonna do, be desolate and heartbroken everytime something you planned didn't turn out the way you wanted it to? What a sad life that would be! Well, friends, that's the life I've been living.
Instead of being a good little faithful christian, and letting God be in control of my life, I've been trying to make things look like my picture from my childhood. What I have recently been reminded of is this: Stop focussing on your picture and focus on the BIG picture that God has in mind! Is that to say that I think God made my husband walk away? No, of course not! But can God use this hurtful time in my life to make something good happen? I believe He can.
So, while I am giving things up to God, what is my responsibility? Where does my work end, and God's begin? You can't expect to sit at home on the couch and have your life fall into your lap with a big bow wrapped around it,.. though I'm sure there are people who try.
It's quite simple actually.
Make the next right decision.
That's it! That's all I am expected to do!! What is the next decision I will have to face today? Well, for me, it's do I meet my friend at the bookstore tonight for coffee, or go home to an empty house. I already know that I will meet my friend because I've already told her I would and she's looking forward to that cup of coffee. For me, that's the right decision.
I don't plan on living a life of wreckless abandon jumping from menial decision to decision, not planning my future, but instead of taking the driver's seat in my life, I'm giving that over to God, and now I'm a happy passenger in the passenger seat. I have an idea of where I'd like to go. It's not the original plan, but that's okay. Because in all honesty, my new plan may not work out either. And what will I do if it doesn't?
Pick myself up and make the next right decision.
Tuesday, October 11, 2011
Wednesday, September 28, 2011
Something blue
Well, here it is, almost October. Today, I'm sitting in my parents' living room as I type this because my computer died. I came to help my mom get some stuff ready for my sister's wedding this weekend. She's getting married on Friday in downtown Greenville (aka "greatest city on earth"). All this talk about marriage and holy matrimony has my mind reeling. You know how it goes, you're at a bridal shower, bridal portrait session, looking at bridal fill-in-the-blanks, and the conversation turns to "Well, I had this or that at my wedding", or someone else says "I remember so-and-so had those at her wedding", or "Make sure they tie that knot good and tight, Heidi!" haha. Haha indeed. It seems that weddings are more than just two people saying their vows before God and family. No, that's what a marriage is. A wedding is a party- plain and simple. A wedding is a time for everyone to see all the beauty and wonder of love between two people, and we just can't help but reflect on that time in our lives when we were that blissfully happy.
My husband and I met in college. I was 18 yrs old. I remember him asking me to be his bride, down to what he was wearing and every single detail. We were in the Smoky Mtns with his parents on a weekend vacation after Thanksgiving. We went to dinner with them, and afterwards, we went to Walmart to pick up some things we had forgotten to pack. When we walked in the store, his mother pointed out some VERY fake diamond rings they had on sale in a display. The price tag said "$8.88". We laughed and I put one on my finger to see how gawdy they looked,.. and they were GAWDY! (Imagine taking your grandmother's crystal candy dish, put a tiny plastic adjustable ring on the back of it, and wear it on your finger). His mom joked with him, "Hey! Let's do this thing right, Son! You can pay for this with a 10 and get some change back!". Little did we know, he had the real thing in his pocket the whole time. That night, we got back to the hotel, and he asked me to go to his room to look at something he was worried about. I'm thinking he's ripped a whole in his sock, or slammed his toe on the door or something. I go next door and he has the whole room lit with candles. A white table cloth on the table by the window overlooking the lights from the city below us in the mountains held two small bears. One was dressed as a bride, and the other had on a tux. The bride bear had a gorgeous diamond ring on her arm. When I picked her up to look at her, I saw the ring, and he got on one knee and grabbed my right hand. He took the ring and said "Trudy, I love you forever. Will you marry me?" Okay, so the bear thing was kinda cheesey, but I know he was so proud of them and had planned ahead and it was so cute how much thought he put into it. And he did put the ring on my right hand, but I didnt' correct him. It didn't matter. I was the happiest girl on the face of the earth. That man was going to be my husband for the rest of my life and I couldn't wait. We were so excited, we ran to his parents' room and beat the door down to show them. It was so hard to keep it a secret the next day from my family until that night, when I would get to see them in person. I didn't want to tell them over the phone. Needless to say, they were thrilled when they saw us that night.
I'm proud of Heidi finding someone like Paul. He's the kind of brother in law anyone would want, and I know he loves my little sister and will care for her the rest of her life. The wedding is going to be absolutely beautiful. I wish them the best.
My husband and I met in college. I was 18 yrs old. I remember him asking me to be his bride, down to what he was wearing and every single detail. We were in the Smoky Mtns with his parents on a weekend vacation after Thanksgiving. We went to dinner with them, and afterwards, we went to Walmart to pick up some things we had forgotten to pack. When we walked in the store, his mother pointed out some VERY fake diamond rings they had on sale in a display. The price tag said "$8.88". We laughed and I put one on my finger to see how gawdy they looked,.. and they were GAWDY! (Imagine taking your grandmother's crystal candy dish, put a tiny plastic adjustable ring on the back of it, and wear it on your finger). His mom joked with him, "Hey! Let's do this thing right, Son! You can pay for this with a 10 and get some change back!". Little did we know, he had the real thing in his pocket the whole time. That night, we got back to the hotel, and he asked me to go to his room to look at something he was worried about. I'm thinking he's ripped a whole in his sock, or slammed his toe on the door or something. I go next door and he has the whole room lit with candles. A white table cloth on the table by the window overlooking the lights from the city below us in the mountains held two small bears. One was dressed as a bride, and the other had on a tux. The bride bear had a gorgeous diamond ring on her arm. When I picked her up to look at her, I saw the ring, and he got on one knee and grabbed my right hand. He took the ring and said "Trudy, I love you forever. Will you marry me?" Okay, so the bear thing was kinda cheesey, but I know he was so proud of them and had planned ahead and it was so cute how much thought he put into it. And he did put the ring on my right hand, but I didnt' correct him. It didn't matter. I was the happiest girl on the face of the earth. That man was going to be my husband for the rest of my life and I couldn't wait. We were so excited, we ran to his parents' room and beat the door down to show them. It was so hard to keep it a secret the next day from my family until that night, when I would get to see them in person. I didn't want to tell them over the phone. Needless to say, they were thrilled when they saw us that night.
I'm proud of Heidi finding someone like Paul. He's the kind of brother in law anyone would want, and I know he loves my little sister and will care for her the rest of her life. The wedding is going to be absolutely beautiful. I wish them the best.
Wednesday, August 17, 2011
Saturday, July 23, 2011
Control
I think one of the most painful parts of this seperation from my husband is the fact that I have no control over the situation. It can feel alot like not having any control over anything. So I decided to try to make a list of the things I can control, and how I want them to go. In no particular order:
1. I'm a child of God. Not my husband, not my broken heart, nor my lack of self-confidence can do anything to change that. God was there when I vowed to be with my husband forever, and He's here with me now that I'm in itty bitty pieces.
2. My career. I'm taking state board exams soon, and whether I pass them on the first try or the 100th try, I will pass them. And I will be great at what I do.
3. My finances. This one is tricky. Without getting into the details, which really are complicated, I am in 100% control of my money for the first time in my life. My husband never took money from me, and I was always provided for, but now I get to decide how much goes where, what to buy with this or that, and I answer to no one but myself for it. Well, myself and the bank. ;)
4. My expenses. I have a new set of goals now that my original dreams have been shattered. I want to work for a while and save up as much as I can for a down payment on a house. A house that I love and has all the characteristics that I desire, and I don't have to worry about anyone else's desires or hangups or pessimism.
I can't control the fact that I am heartbroken, and alone. I can't control how sad I am 98% of the day. I can't control the fact that because of my husband's decisions, I doubt I'll ever be able to be a mother. I can't control the fact that this has destroyed my self-confidence. The list above in no way makes up for what I can't control, but it does help me to have something more positive to focus on. We'll see where that gets me this week.
Always,
Tru
1. I'm a child of God. Not my husband, not my broken heart, nor my lack of self-confidence can do anything to change that. God was there when I vowed to be with my husband forever, and He's here with me now that I'm in itty bitty pieces.
2. My career. I'm taking state board exams soon, and whether I pass them on the first try or the 100th try, I will pass them. And I will be great at what I do.
3. My finances. This one is tricky. Without getting into the details, which really are complicated, I am in 100% control of my money for the first time in my life. My husband never took money from me, and I was always provided for, but now I get to decide how much goes where, what to buy with this or that, and I answer to no one but myself for it. Well, myself and the bank. ;)
4. My expenses. I have a new set of goals now that my original dreams have been shattered. I want to work for a while and save up as much as I can for a down payment on a house. A house that I love and has all the characteristics that I desire, and I don't have to worry about anyone else's desires or hangups or pessimism.
I can't control the fact that I am heartbroken, and alone. I can't control how sad I am 98% of the day. I can't control the fact that because of my husband's decisions, I doubt I'll ever be able to be a mother. I can't control the fact that this has destroyed my self-confidence. The list above in no way makes up for what I can't control, but it does help me to have something more positive to focus on. We'll see where that gets me this week.
Always,
Tru
Wednesday, July 20, 2011
School's Out for EVER!
Yesterday, I completed my degree! I took my last final exam, and I walked out of there a respiratory therapist! Now, I just have to wait for my state board exams, and then I'll be an RRT (registered resp. ther.) and I can work. I am excited about this new chapter in my life opening up, but I can't help but feel bittersweet about the whole thing. I remember getting my acceptance letter in the mail, and calling my husband and hearing his voice and thinking how glad I was that I could make him proud of me. I remember with each semester that passed, feeling like I had accomplished yet another goal towards our new life together. Now that it's over, he doesn't care. I feel like DaVinci would feel if Mona Lisa said "Eh, whatever" when he turned the painting around for her approval. Not that my weenie little degree is anything like DaVinci's Mona Lisa, but you see what I'm saying. I know that my family is proud of me, and I know that my friends are excited for me, and I'm thankful for their love and support. I just wish he still cared. That's all.
Sunday, July 17, 2011
Dreams and Detours
Well, it's been a very long time since I've posted anything. I think I'm finally ready.
Is what I am about to say a sensitive subject? You bet. Do I have a right to say it? Absolutely. It's my life afterall.
I've been married to the man of my dreams for almost 8 yrs. We met in college, and after dating about three years, he asked me to be his wife. It was a dream come true for me. I couldn't wait to begin my new life with this wonderful man God had blessed me with!
Like any marriage, we had good days and bad days. We had days where work got the better of us, and days where we owned the world. It began to be hard to tell where he ended and I began. I didn't see him as someone else, but as an extension of myself. When I was gray, he was my sunshine. When he was down, I was his up. We did this pretty well, I thought.
"Two are better than one, because they have a good reward for their labor. For if they fall, one will lift up his companion. But woe to him who is alone when he falls, for he has no one to help him up. Again, if two lie down together, they will keep warm; But how can one be warm alone?" Ecc. 4:9-11.
April 8th, 2011
My husband returned from a week in Atlanta on business. I can't begin to describe how I missed him when he was gone. After all these years together, I still felt like half a person when he was away. I knew work was important, and this trip was for work, and I was so proud of him, I didn't mind him being gone. I was just tickled he was coming home. I raced home from work that night, and walked into the kitchen, wrapping my arms around his strong shoulders. I said that I'd missed him, and he said "Trudy, we need to talk".
Sitting on the couch in our living room, he explained to me that he no longer wanted to be with me. He didn't love me anymore, hadn't for about 5 yrs, and that he didn't want to live the life we were living (church, family, marriage, etc). He said he felt like it would be best for him to move out. I asked if this was temporary. He said no, it wasn't. He apologized for ruining my life, and left me. He had already moved his things, and for the next several days, I walked around my home like a zombie, finding new empty places where somthing of his once sat. The DVR and the remote. The blanket that we both loved to cuddle under on the couch. The guns from the gun cabinet my father built him 10 yrs ago. Everything he ever owned, except his wedding band and our pictures, was gone. He took eveyrhting that held any value to him. Which is why he left me behind.
It was two months before we spoke, and then finally, he answered my phone call. We met up a few weeks later to exchange some mail, adn then again yesterday to exchange some more. In the minimal contact we've had, I have been reassured over and over that htis is not a temporary thing. He has no intentions of ever returning to me, the church or the life we had together. With each encouter, I can feel the lining of my heart ripping itself away from my chest and falling to the gritty floor beneath. I can feel his heel as it presses into the ground, and turns as he walks farther and farther away from me, driving to his new life, at his new apartment, in his new car. I am acutely aware that he now has everything that was ever important to him. And I'm not included there.
Are we getting divorced? I don't know. Is he seeing someone else? I don't know. Am I okay? I don't think so. Somedays are better than others. Somedays are unbearable.
Meanwhile, I am finishing up Respiratory Therapy school this week. Then I get to schedule my state board exams (three of them!), and begin working at the respiratory department in the hospital I am currently working in.
Graduation = independence from him = my new (scary) life
Why do I write this? For sympathy? Oh, please! No! To air my dirty laundry? Not so much- see, everyone who is close to me already knows this. The others have heard about it through the grapevine. I would just rather you hear it from me than the grapevine. I trust that grapevine about as much as I do my own husband right now! (that's not much!)
Please keep us, our families, our friends, and our futures in your prayers. The scary part about this new life of mine is that I can't see where its headed. I just hope this detour leads somewhere better than here.
Always,
Tru
Is what I am about to say a sensitive subject? You bet. Do I have a right to say it? Absolutely. It's my life afterall.
I've been married to the man of my dreams for almost 8 yrs. We met in college, and after dating about three years, he asked me to be his wife. It was a dream come true for me. I couldn't wait to begin my new life with this wonderful man God had blessed me with!
Like any marriage, we had good days and bad days. We had days where work got the better of us, and days where we owned the world. It began to be hard to tell where he ended and I began. I didn't see him as someone else, but as an extension of myself. When I was gray, he was my sunshine. When he was down, I was his up. We did this pretty well, I thought.
"Two are better than one, because they have a good reward for their labor. For if they fall, one will lift up his companion. But woe to him who is alone when he falls, for he has no one to help him up. Again, if two lie down together, they will keep warm; But how can one be warm alone?" Ecc. 4:9-11.
April 8th, 2011
My husband returned from a week in Atlanta on business. I can't begin to describe how I missed him when he was gone. After all these years together, I still felt like half a person when he was away. I knew work was important, and this trip was for work, and I was so proud of him, I didn't mind him being gone. I was just tickled he was coming home. I raced home from work that night, and walked into the kitchen, wrapping my arms around his strong shoulders. I said that I'd missed him, and he said "Trudy, we need to talk".
Sitting on the couch in our living room, he explained to me that he no longer wanted to be with me. He didn't love me anymore, hadn't for about 5 yrs, and that he didn't want to live the life we were living (church, family, marriage, etc). He said he felt like it would be best for him to move out. I asked if this was temporary. He said no, it wasn't. He apologized for ruining my life, and left me. He had already moved his things, and for the next several days, I walked around my home like a zombie, finding new empty places where somthing of his once sat. The DVR and the remote. The blanket that we both loved to cuddle under on the couch. The guns from the gun cabinet my father built him 10 yrs ago. Everything he ever owned, except his wedding band and our pictures, was gone. He took eveyrhting that held any value to him. Which is why he left me behind.
It was two months before we spoke, and then finally, he answered my phone call. We met up a few weeks later to exchange some mail, adn then again yesterday to exchange some more. In the minimal contact we've had, I have been reassured over and over that htis is not a temporary thing. He has no intentions of ever returning to me, the church or the life we had together. With each encouter, I can feel the lining of my heart ripping itself away from my chest and falling to the gritty floor beneath. I can feel his heel as it presses into the ground, and turns as he walks farther and farther away from me, driving to his new life, at his new apartment, in his new car. I am acutely aware that he now has everything that was ever important to him. And I'm not included there.
Are we getting divorced? I don't know. Is he seeing someone else? I don't know. Am I okay? I don't think so. Somedays are better than others. Somedays are unbearable.
Meanwhile, I am finishing up Respiratory Therapy school this week. Then I get to schedule my state board exams (three of them!), and begin working at the respiratory department in the hospital I am currently working in.
Graduation = independence from him = my new (scary) life
Why do I write this? For sympathy? Oh, please! No! To air my dirty laundry? Not so much- see, everyone who is close to me already knows this. The others have heard about it through the grapevine. I would just rather you hear it from me than the grapevine. I trust that grapevine about as much as I do my own husband right now! (that's not much!)
Please keep us, our families, our friends, and our futures in your prayers. The scary part about this new life of mine is that I can't see where its headed. I just hope this detour leads somewhere better than here.
Always,
Tru
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