I think one of the most painful parts of this seperation from my husband is the fact that I have no control over the situation. It can feel alot like not having any control over anything. So I decided to try to make a list of the things I can control, and how I want them to go. In no particular order:
1. I'm a child of God. Not my husband, not my broken heart, nor my lack of self-confidence can do anything to change that. God was there when I vowed to be with my husband forever, and He's here with me now that I'm in itty bitty pieces.
2. My career. I'm taking state board exams soon, and whether I pass them on the first try or the 100th try, I will pass them. And I will be great at what I do.
3. My finances. This one is tricky. Without getting into the details, which really are complicated, I am in 100% control of my money for the first time in my life. My husband never took money from me, and I was always provided for, but now I get to decide how much goes where, what to buy with this or that, and I answer to no one but myself for it. Well, myself and the bank. ;)
4. My expenses. I have a new set of goals now that my original dreams have been shattered. I want to work for a while and save up as much as I can for a down payment on a house. A house that I love and has all the characteristics that I desire, and I don't have to worry about anyone else's desires or hangups or pessimism.
I can't control the fact that I am heartbroken, and alone. I can't control how sad I am 98% of the day. I can't control the fact that because of my husband's decisions, I doubt I'll ever be able to be a mother. I can't control the fact that this has destroyed my self-confidence. The list above in no way makes up for what I can't control, but it does help me to have something more positive to focus on. We'll see where that gets me this week.
Always,
Tru
Saturday, July 23, 2011
Wednesday, July 20, 2011
School's Out for EVER!
Yesterday, I completed my degree! I took my last final exam, and I walked out of there a respiratory therapist! Now, I just have to wait for my state board exams, and then I'll be an RRT (registered resp. ther.) and I can work. I am excited about this new chapter in my life opening up, but I can't help but feel bittersweet about the whole thing. I remember getting my acceptance letter in the mail, and calling my husband and hearing his voice and thinking how glad I was that I could make him proud of me. I remember with each semester that passed, feeling like I had accomplished yet another goal towards our new life together. Now that it's over, he doesn't care. I feel like DaVinci would feel if Mona Lisa said "Eh, whatever" when he turned the painting around for her approval. Not that my weenie little degree is anything like DaVinci's Mona Lisa, but you see what I'm saying. I know that my family is proud of me, and I know that my friends are excited for me, and I'm thankful for their love and support. I just wish he still cared. That's all.
Sunday, July 17, 2011
Dreams and Detours
Well, it's been a very long time since I've posted anything. I think I'm finally ready.
Is what I am about to say a sensitive subject? You bet. Do I have a right to say it? Absolutely. It's my life afterall.
I've been married to the man of my dreams for almost 8 yrs. We met in college, and after dating about three years, he asked me to be his wife. It was a dream come true for me. I couldn't wait to begin my new life with this wonderful man God had blessed me with!
Like any marriage, we had good days and bad days. We had days where work got the better of us, and days where we owned the world. It began to be hard to tell where he ended and I began. I didn't see him as someone else, but as an extension of myself. When I was gray, he was my sunshine. When he was down, I was his up. We did this pretty well, I thought.
"Two are better than one, because they have a good reward for their labor. For if they fall, one will lift up his companion. But woe to him who is alone when he falls, for he has no one to help him up. Again, if two lie down together, they will keep warm; But how can one be warm alone?" Ecc. 4:9-11.
April 8th, 2011
My husband returned from a week in Atlanta on business. I can't begin to describe how I missed him when he was gone. After all these years together, I still felt like half a person when he was away. I knew work was important, and this trip was for work, and I was so proud of him, I didn't mind him being gone. I was just tickled he was coming home. I raced home from work that night, and walked into the kitchen, wrapping my arms around his strong shoulders. I said that I'd missed him, and he said "Trudy, we need to talk".
Sitting on the couch in our living room, he explained to me that he no longer wanted to be with me. He didn't love me anymore, hadn't for about 5 yrs, and that he didn't want to live the life we were living (church, family, marriage, etc). He said he felt like it would be best for him to move out. I asked if this was temporary. He said no, it wasn't. He apologized for ruining my life, and left me. He had already moved his things, and for the next several days, I walked around my home like a zombie, finding new empty places where somthing of his once sat. The DVR and the remote. The blanket that we both loved to cuddle under on the couch. The guns from the gun cabinet my father built him 10 yrs ago. Everything he ever owned, except his wedding band and our pictures, was gone. He took eveyrhting that held any value to him. Which is why he left me behind.
It was two months before we spoke, and then finally, he answered my phone call. We met up a few weeks later to exchange some mail, adn then again yesterday to exchange some more. In the minimal contact we've had, I have been reassured over and over that htis is not a temporary thing. He has no intentions of ever returning to me, the church or the life we had together. With each encouter, I can feel the lining of my heart ripping itself away from my chest and falling to the gritty floor beneath. I can feel his heel as it presses into the ground, and turns as he walks farther and farther away from me, driving to his new life, at his new apartment, in his new car. I am acutely aware that he now has everything that was ever important to him. And I'm not included there.
Are we getting divorced? I don't know. Is he seeing someone else? I don't know. Am I okay? I don't think so. Somedays are better than others. Somedays are unbearable.
Meanwhile, I am finishing up Respiratory Therapy school this week. Then I get to schedule my state board exams (three of them!), and begin working at the respiratory department in the hospital I am currently working in.
Graduation = independence from him = my new (scary) life
Why do I write this? For sympathy? Oh, please! No! To air my dirty laundry? Not so much- see, everyone who is close to me already knows this. The others have heard about it through the grapevine. I would just rather you hear it from me than the grapevine. I trust that grapevine about as much as I do my own husband right now! (that's not much!)
Please keep us, our families, our friends, and our futures in your prayers. The scary part about this new life of mine is that I can't see where its headed. I just hope this detour leads somewhere better than here.
Always,
Tru
Is what I am about to say a sensitive subject? You bet. Do I have a right to say it? Absolutely. It's my life afterall.
I've been married to the man of my dreams for almost 8 yrs. We met in college, and after dating about three years, he asked me to be his wife. It was a dream come true for me. I couldn't wait to begin my new life with this wonderful man God had blessed me with!
Like any marriage, we had good days and bad days. We had days where work got the better of us, and days where we owned the world. It began to be hard to tell where he ended and I began. I didn't see him as someone else, but as an extension of myself. When I was gray, he was my sunshine. When he was down, I was his up. We did this pretty well, I thought.
"Two are better than one, because they have a good reward for their labor. For if they fall, one will lift up his companion. But woe to him who is alone when he falls, for he has no one to help him up. Again, if two lie down together, they will keep warm; But how can one be warm alone?" Ecc. 4:9-11.
April 8th, 2011
My husband returned from a week in Atlanta on business. I can't begin to describe how I missed him when he was gone. After all these years together, I still felt like half a person when he was away. I knew work was important, and this trip was for work, and I was so proud of him, I didn't mind him being gone. I was just tickled he was coming home. I raced home from work that night, and walked into the kitchen, wrapping my arms around his strong shoulders. I said that I'd missed him, and he said "Trudy, we need to talk".
Sitting on the couch in our living room, he explained to me that he no longer wanted to be with me. He didn't love me anymore, hadn't for about 5 yrs, and that he didn't want to live the life we were living (church, family, marriage, etc). He said he felt like it would be best for him to move out. I asked if this was temporary. He said no, it wasn't. He apologized for ruining my life, and left me. He had already moved his things, and for the next several days, I walked around my home like a zombie, finding new empty places where somthing of his once sat. The DVR and the remote. The blanket that we both loved to cuddle under on the couch. The guns from the gun cabinet my father built him 10 yrs ago. Everything he ever owned, except his wedding band and our pictures, was gone. He took eveyrhting that held any value to him. Which is why he left me behind.
It was two months before we spoke, and then finally, he answered my phone call. We met up a few weeks later to exchange some mail, adn then again yesterday to exchange some more. In the minimal contact we've had, I have been reassured over and over that htis is not a temporary thing. He has no intentions of ever returning to me, the church or the life we had together. With each encouter, I can feel the lining of my heart ripping itself away from my chest and falling to the gritty floor beneath. I can feel his heel as it presses into the ground, and turns as he walks farther and farther away from me, driving to his new life, at his new apartment, in his new car. I am acutely aware that he now has everything that was ever important to him. And I'm not included there.
Are we getting divorced? I don't know. Is he seeing someone else? I don't know. Am I okay? I don't think so. Somedays are better than others. Somedays are unbearable.
Meanwhile, I am finishing up Respiratory Therapy school this week. Then I get to schedule my state board exams (three of them!), and begin working at the respiratory department in the hospital I am currently working in.
Graduation = independence from him = my new (scary) life
Why do I write this? For sympathy? Oh, please! No! To air my dirty laundry? Not so much- see, everyone who is close to me already knows this. The others have heard about it through the grapevine. I would just rather you hear it from me than the grapevine. I trust that grapevine about as much as I do my own husband right now! (that's not much!)
Please keep us, our families, our friends, and our futures in your prayers. The scary part about this new life of mine is that I can't see where its headed. I just hope this detour leads somewhere better than here.
Always,
Tru
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